My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.