My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
nobody’s gonna understand
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.