Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”