exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?