Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I feel seen.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”