So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
You Might Also Like
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident