Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
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Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am