Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
You Might Also Like
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.