I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Stick it to the man
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….