I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Worst bar ever.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?