“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor