why isn’t thunder called soundning
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Meeeee too!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”