I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
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No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.