I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
tis the season
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.