I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I had to Stop for this
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture