I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.