“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
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One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice