We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
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Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?