[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
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ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Cake safety first. Always.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: