For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.