The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)