Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
You Might Also Like
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180