People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
asked my bf how work was today
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.