“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Just me?