I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.