I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet