My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Seas the day!!!!
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.