Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
dam girl
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Nice try, poison.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.