2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”