I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*