Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The happy life.. 😊
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.