me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Sending in my taxes
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.