Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.