Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Education is vital
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.