“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Ok, but like, how married are you?