My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
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SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Breaking news:
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.