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the rocks need my help
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.