restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want