“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.