My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
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I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.