Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
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My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.