From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.