date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.