My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans