Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Good morning!
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone