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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I feel it
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty