Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
You Might Also Like
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff