[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
79.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?