Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
When your man makes a valid point
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?