[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Are you ok, human???
*has no idea what a book even is*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”